Today was a happy yet sad moment for me. I’ve been divorced for 6 years now and I’ve only dated a couple women during this time span. My love life isn’t much to speak of. Some of it by choice and some of it not. Where the cause and blame lies is it’s own separate story. So it’s safe to say I’m almost always alone. Besides my kids I spend my time with friends and family. I have a good support system and I’m very appreciative of that. But still if I’m honest with myself, I yearn to have the love of a companion. That oh so special person you can always talk to any time of the day. That one who loves you unconditionally and also drives you insane. That person you which you talk about love no one else can compare. A separate kind of bond and love that is unique only to the two of you. I try to hide it but I know people can still tell, that I want someone to love.
Now sometimes I feel like this and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I want to die alone (without a significant other). But today there was a moment that I found to be very very sad. I alternate weeks with my ex wife so that we both have equal time with the kids. This week is my week. Today we decided to go to Dave and Busters. That’s nothing big. We’ve been there before but it’s also nice to go out. Me and the kids are used to it just being us 3 as well. When we go there we had fun like always. Played the games separate and together. We always play air hockey. Usually just head to head matches. But today we play air hockey on a table that was a for 4 people. As we are playing I could tell that the kids were having fun and all of a sudden it hits me how sad I was. Yes, we are having a great time and we always do. But for me just for that moment I felt sad. To only have 3 people play air hockey on a table meant for 4. It was almost as if it was one big symbolism for our lives. That we were missing a person from our family. I know that’s not the case. No one will ever replace their mother and vice versa. But in that moment it wasn’t about the kids or trying to find someone to complete my family it was about me and how lonely I was feeling. And that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong it admitting to it. I’m. It ashamed to say that I am lonely. That I do have moments where I want someone. I spent so many years denying it that I buried it away. Even as I type this I’m thinking how much I’m not really lonely but I’m just being emotional lol. Whatever the case may be I wanted to get these emotions out into the universe. I wanted to share my feelings with you. To let you know that it’s okay. Whatever it is just know hat it’ll all be okay. To my friends and family who might read this, don’t worry. I’m fine. This is life. I’m sad at times but I’m also happy. 😊☺️