Moment of Sadness

Today was a happy yet sad moment for me. I’ve been divorced for 6 years now and I’ve only dated a couple women during this time span. My love life isn’t much to speak of. Some of it by choice and some of it not. Where the cause and blame lies is it’s own separate story. So it’s safe to say I’m almost always alone. Besides my kids I spend my time with friends and family. I have a good support system and I’m very appreciative of that. But still if I’m honest with myself, I yearn to have the love of a companion. That oh so special person you can always talk to any time of the day. That one who loves you unconditionally and also drives you insane. That person you which you talk about love no one else can compare. A separate kind of bond and love that is unique only to the two of you. I try to hide it but I know people can still tell, that I want someone to love.

Now sometimes I feel like this and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I want to die alone (without a significant other). But today there was a moment that I found to be very very sad. I alternate weeks with my ex wife so that we both have equal time with the kids. This week is my week. Today we decided to go to Dave and Busters. That’s nothing big. We’ve been there before but it’s also nice to go out. Me and the kids are used to it just being us 3 as well. When we go there we had fun like always. Played the games separate and together. We always play air hockey. Usually just head to head matches. But today we play air hockey on a table that was a for 4 people. As we are playing I could tell that the kids were having fun and all of a sudden it hits me how sad I was. Yes, we are having a great time and we always do. But for me just for that moment I felt sad. To only have 3 people play air hockey on a table meant for 4. It was almost as if it was one big symbolism for our lives. That we were missing a person from our family. I know that’s not the case. No one will ever replace their mother and vice versa. But in that moment it wasn’t about the kids or trying to find someone to complete my family it was about me and how lonely I was feeling. And that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong it admitting to it. I’m. It ashamed to say that I am lonely. That I do have moments where I want someone. I spent so many years denying it that I buried it away. Even as I type this I’m thinking how much I’m not really lonely but I’m just being emotional lol. Whatever the case may be I wanted to get these emotions out into the universe. I wanted to share my feelings with you. To let you know that it’s okay. Whatever it is just know hat it’ll all be okay. To my friends and family who might read this, don’t worry. I’m fine. This is life. I’m sad at times but I’m also happy. ūüėä‚ėļÔłŹ


Moment of the Day

Never forget that in the late 1980’s the American government funded rebels (Contra) in other countries, to over throw their government, with profits from crack cocaine sells in the United States. The black and improvised communities in South Central LA were exploited to fuel an administrations political agenda. Drug dealing is only against the law if we the people do it…..

Random Thought

I think people forget that the education system in America is based on an European centric ideology. So slavery was super fucked up but the real truth is that there’s prolly more fucked up shit to the story that we don’t know about. That’s the truth I’m seeking. The real shit that’s so bad history is trying to hide. The victors write history and they elected to leave slavery and all the horrors in it. But what other atrocities are they hiding by telling us that story.

What Is An African American

These past few weeks with the upcoming Marvel’s Black Panther moving approaching it’s release date and all of¬†dark skinned¬†America excited to see a movie that has a majority¬†dark skinned¬†cast, production team, producer, and director; I have been pondering the term “African American”.¬† When we used that term for other people from other nations it is used to describe people who have recently immigrated to the United States of America or for those who are a first or second generation descendants.¬† To note, some Africans do not¬†recognize¬†dark skinned¬†people as being from Africa.¬† Also there is an¬†Australian aborigine tribe that¬†has a direct lineage to Africa but you wouldn’t have thought that since they look different from those with possible direct lineage to Africa who live¬†in America….¬†Take some time to think about that.

Now we all know the story of the Trans Atlantic Slave Trade where Africans were bought and stolen from the western countries of the African continent and taken to the Caribbean Islands, North, and South America.¬† Yet the culture of those people seem to be different but with some similarities as well.¬† I understand that most of the history of¬†those who shipped to the Americas in the slave trade¬†has been destroyed and distorted.¬† That the cultures and traditions were stripped away from them during that time.¬† So¬†some has been lost and left to speculation.¬† The point I am trying to say (I am probably doing a bad job at it), is that without knowing your exact lineage its hard to¬†know for sure where your¬†direct ancestors¬†originated.¬† One may even argue that we are all one species so to¬†debate where anyone is from is pointless.¬† But the fact is that the word “African American” is just another word used¬†in an attempt to label a group of people.¬† Your skin complexion does not specifically link you to a certain group of humans.¬† By¬†typing this I am in no way shape or form denying any heritage¬†nor am I confused as to the possibilities of my direct ancestors origins.¬† I am only trying to open your mind up to the fact that there is a lot more to the story than we know.¬† History is and will always be written by those in power and control.¬† History will always be used to manipulate the masses into believing whatever those in power want them to believe.

I have attached a link to a video on¬†YouTube by Dane Calloway¬†to this post that has completely opened my mind more than what I had already believe it to be.¬† I accept and know that I do not know everything and I am no where close to understanding the truth.¬† The only thing I do know is that I don’t know anything lol.¬† Never be afraid to think and never be afraid to have an opinion that is different from the majority.¬† In the end we are all just searching for the truth.

Take the time to watch the video and formulate your own opinions.

Lost and Confused: Single Parent Dating at 30

This is an honest assessment of myself as I navigate the dating world at 30…..

I am so damn lost and confused! ¬†I’m not sure if I know what I’m doing at all. ¬†And I’m almost certain that everyone else has no fucking clue as well. ¬†You see when I meet someone new a million different thoughts goes through my head. ¬†I often comtemplate what are the best words to say. ¬†How do I say or texted them? ¬†Am I speaking too much about myself or am I not asking enough questions? ¬†Shit, am I asking too many questions? ¬†It may be simple for some but for a person life myself, who over thinks and analyzes every situation, the journey of dating is a wild, unpredictable, and unsuccessful adventure.

I’ve come to learn that I am who I am. ¬†As stubborn as that sounds, but I will live and die with the person I see in the mirror. ¬†By that I mean I will not play the “game” when it comes to approaching a woman. ¬†I have no ulterior motives, such as, me speaking to a women in order to attain sex or sexual pleasures. ¬†When I find a woman that I am attracted to and I feel the vibe is right I will engage in conversation in order to become more familiar with her. ¬†I want to know who she is on the inside. ¬†You see I struggle with small talk. ¬†To be honest, most of the time I would rather not speak to people. ¬†But when I do speak I like to have meaningful conversations. ¬†Unless, I am talking about sports, video games, or rap lyrics lol. ¬†I am not a smooth talker. ¬†When I speak it’s honest and genuine. ¬†I do that because that is what I will like in return. ¬†But having this approach can be too much for some. ¬†Or I am just pouring it on too much in the beginning. ¬†Either way it’s safe to say that when it comes to dating I have a hard time with the first step, and that’s the opening introduction. ¬†So you can imagine I don’t get far with most women.

Now to add on to my unusual approach to women I also have two kids and an ex wife. ¬†Either of which are a complete turn off for some. ¬†A woman will either be ok with me having children but not like the fact that I still have contact with my ex wife or they will not like the fact that I have kids…. ¬†Are you confused yet?

To say it’s hard out here for me to date is an understatement lol. ¬†Sometimes I wish I could just go on one of those dating shows and have women compete over me. ¬†Then again, those don’t seem to work out for people either. ¬†I will keep pushing forward and keep my spirits up high. ¬†I’m still very optimistic about my dating future. ¬†I am also realistic as to my chances of finding someone at this age and stage of my life. ¬†Currently my bar is set low. ¬†I just want someone I can take out to dinner, watch a movie, and go on trips together. ¬†Like is that too much to ask for in this world?

I will keep you all posted about this subject. ¬†Hell maybe next time I write about this I’ll have good news. ¬†I mean, you never know what may happen right?