A Man With Kids

Being a single parent of two kids, a boy and a girl, I have come to only rely on myself. I split custody with their mother. When I have the kids there is no one with me that helps. It has been like this for almost 8 years. I have become acustom to this lifestyle. But there are times when I feel like I need to be better. One male raising another is less of a challenge than a male raising a female. I have learned to do her hair and indulge in “girl talk”. But I still do not know how to do makeup or apply lipstick. This may seem insignificant but for me this is a blow to my ego. I feel as a parent, despite my gender, I need to be able to do those things and help my daughter because it is my responsibility. I hold the title of being a parent in high regards. (Take notice to the fact that I have not used the word “father”. ) Recently, my daughter had to take photos for her dance team. My best friend, who is also my kids’ aunt, informed me that she had to take pictures for her dance team. She told me the color scheme of their outfits too. I interpret the information and thought that the pictures were more informal but upon arrival I learned that she should have worn something more formal. Basically something better than leggings and a shirt lol. As I was talking on the phone with my best friend, I could tell she felt bad for not describing the situation better to me. But it is not her fault. She thought I knew more information about the photo shoot, thinking her sister (my ex wife) told me about it…. But that’s another issue in its own lol…. Anyways, my best friend always helps me and is a great aunt. She brought something for my daughter to wear and saved the day. But in the midst of things my ego was bruised. Seeing my best friend apply lipstick to my daughter, I felt bad as a a parent for not being more prepared. The weight I carry to always be the best that I can be is an unnecessary burden. I put so much pressure on myself to be great. As a man, I did not want to appear that I was not capable of picking out a nice outfit or doing makeup and lipstick. To me it is a sign of weakness that I do not like. Even though I was just unaware of the attire she should have on, it highlighted an underlying issue within myself. The truth is that I need to let go of my ego and accept help. This story was about a simple situation that highlighted a big issue for me. Because even if I knew what the attire needed to be for the pictures, I would have picked out the right outfit and made sure her hair was nice. But I know nothing about lipstick and makeup haha. So no matter what I would have needed help, which I do not like anyone helping me with my kids…… And that is stupid. Everyone needs help. My mother, sister, and my best friend all help me at times with my kids. I am a thousand times grateful for them. Now it’s time I get out of my own head and push the ego aside. Everyday I try to do my best and that’s all anyone can do. I wanted to share this story to get this off my chest. A symbolic way of letting my ego go. I also wanted to publicly acknowledge my love and appreciation for the women in my life who help me raise my little woman. ❤️❤️❤️

When A Man Wants A Woman

When a man truly wants a woman he will discover something inside himself that he never knew existed, PATIENCE. When a man wants a woman and his emotions are real he will wait for her. He will be there for her when she needs him. But he will also stand up for himself and demand that he be treated with respect and appreciation. A man knows when he wants a woman because his behavior towards that woman will be true and genuine. He will show her his vulnerable side that he himself did not know it existed. Most importantly when a man wants a woman he will plant his feet firm in the ground and never falter, no matter how hard she tries to push him away. A woman once broke up with me and became angry with me that I did not fight for her. For years I thought what she said was one of the dumbest things I had ever heard. But until I found the woman I finally wanted, I understood what she was saying. She was right and I appreciate her for teaching me that lesson. I appreciate all the woman throughout my life that I have cared for, who taught me lessons. Those lessons helped mold me into the man I am today. May my growth continue. ❤️❤️

My Own Fear

For me, the biggest fear I have is a “broken heart”. I don’t fear death or anything else. But the thought of having my heart broken again causes me great anxiety. The unnecessary thoughts that run through my mind hinder me from finding something true and amazing. Which is why I rarely pursue a meaningful relationship. The second it goes south, I’m out. And on to the next…. But this is something I am becoming painfully conscious of and I am working on it. Because I realize that if something can cause me that much anxiety then it must be that great. Anything that isn’t worth pursuing isn’t worth the effort. To find out if it is worth pursuing you must suffer a test, a set back or a rough patch. If you care you’ll push through and if you don’t then it’s not for you. When I find that one I’ll know because I’ll push through even after the rough patch.

Be Grateful For What You Can Do

As I went for a run outside today I realized that exercising makes me sad now. In the past I was always in great shape and capable of doing amazing things physically. But now as my medical issues have depleted my physical abilities, I am no longer able to be in the same physical shape and it makes me sad. I am sad because my pride is hurt. I still find the same enjoyment in exercising but since I can’t achieve the same physical feats my ego has taken a hit. Today I am learning that I need to find happiness in the fact that I can still exercise. I need to learn to be grateful and appreciative of the physical things I am still able to do. And not focus on the negative. I’m trying to be more positive which is something I am not prone to do. But I’m trying….