A Man With Kids

Being a single parent of two kids, a boy and a girl, I have come to only rely on myself. I split custody with their mother. When I have the kids there is no one with me that helps. It has been like this for almost 8 years. I have become acustom to this lifestyle. But there are times when I feel like I need to be better. One male raising another is less of a challenge than a male raising a female. I have learned to do her hair and indulge in “girl talk”. But I still do not know how to do makeup or apply lipstick. This may seem insignificant but for me this is a blow to my ego. I feel as a parent, despite my gender, I need to be able to do those things and help my daughter because it is my responsibility. I hold the title of being a parent in high regards. (Take notice to the fact that I have not used the word “father”. ) Recently, my daughter had to take photos for her dance team. My best friend, who is also my kids’ aunt, informed me that she had to take pictures for her dance team. She told me the color scheme of their outfits too. I interpret the information and thought that the pictures were more informal but upon arrival I learned that she should have worn something more formal. Basically something better than leggings and a shirt lol. As I was talking on the phone with my best friend, I could tell she felt bad for not describing the situation better to me. But it is not her fault. She thought I knew more information about the photo shoot, thinking her sister (my ex wife) told me about it…. But that’s another issue in its own lol…. Anyways, my best friend always helps me and is a great aunt. She brought something for my daughter to wear and saved the day. But in the midst of things my ego was bruised. Seeing my best friend apply lipstick to my daughter, I felt bad as a a parent for not being more prepared. The weight I carry to always be the best that I can be is an unnecessary burden. I put so much pressure on myself to be great. As a man, I did not want to appear that I was not capable of picking out a nice outfit or doing makeup and lipstick. To me it is a sign of weakness that I do not like. Even though I was just unaware of the attire she should have on, it highlighted an underlying issue within myself. The truth is that I need to let go of my ego and accept help. This story was about a simple situation that highlighted a big issue for me. Because even if I knew what the attire needed to be for the pictures, I would have picked out the right outfit and made sure her hair was nice. But I know nothing about lipstick and makeup haha. So no matter what I would have needed help, which I do not like anyone helping me with my kids…… And that is stupid. Everyone needs help. My mother, sister, and my best friend all help me at times with my kids. I am a thousand times grateful for them. Now it’s time I get out of my own head and push the ego aside. Everyday I try to do my best and that’s all anyone can do. I wanted to share this story to get this off my chest. A symbolic way of letting my ego go. I also wanted to publicly acknowledge my love and appreciation for the women in my life who help me raise my little woman. ❤️❤️❤️

Poem of the Day:  Dear Sydney (Written in 2013)

I’ll never forget the first time I saw you. You looked into my eyes, they locked, and I never cried so much in my life. I was so shocked. I called your grandmother, my voice was weak. I told her “Hey, mommy, Im a dad. This is almost to hard to believe.” I held you close in my arms. So nervous was I, to the point I was afraid to ever let go out of my sight. You gave me a high that was a surprise. Now I have the honor of being the most important person in you life. I will never let you down. Tho at times I may not be by your side. Please know that daddy is doing his best to provide you a great life. I had a father to show me how to be a father and he told me one day that I will be a better father than he was to me. But he was great so I will try not to make any mistakes. I know sometimes Im hard on you and I apologize. Tough love was how I was raised and I feel its the best way to teach you how to survive. Our lives are difficult and I know you know that. You have daddy’s strength so you’ll never fall back. Only four years old and you’ve made me so proud. The way you handle things gives me a smile. And its ok that you lost your ear rings. Daddy will get you new ones. You know I will do anything for you. We’ve been through so much together over the past year. We saw each other cry and we wiped each others tears. Your an amazing daugther. I could not be a more proud father. I promise I will always be there. I love you, Sydney!!! 🙂

Poem of the Day:  Emotions Of A Father

  
As I stay awake on this weekday I look back on my life and contemplate the decisions I made.  Regrets, I don’t have.  I’ve made only a few mistakes but nothing that could change the face of today or my life to this date.  If I could have it my way we would be gone far away on an island where it’s quiet and we are all alone.  I guess maybe in my daydreams because my nightmares are real.  I am not there where you are and it still hurts.  This wound will heal in time I’m sure but I can’t help wonder if there is a cure for my pain.  I hide it well.  I can always maintain the appearance of a good man.  It’s nothing, this shit is built into my frame.  It’s apart of my DNA.  A boy raised to be a man then a man turned into a father.  That’s all that I am!  Don’t even bother with your other labels or description.  I don’t dwell on my existence, I only have one life mission.  That’s to be a father to my kids and carry on the tradition.  No matter the situation, I have only one purpose, to be the best father that I can be.  No need to apologize to you for how our lives turned out.  There’s no reason to blame anyone.  No good can come about.  Just know that I love you more than my own life, so please never have any doubts.  This shit is real what I feel.  As I write the tears are coming out and water is slowing cloudying up my eyes.  Yea, I cry at night, sometimes for a few seconds.  But I shake it off because those tears will not help anyone.  I must continue on and keep stepping in the forward direction with my head up so I can see the present and into the future.  I’m in the processing of raising you the best that I can.  Although it didn’t go according to plan, just know that daddy will improvise.  So it’s cool, I got this man!  I’ll always be the one you can count on, the one who will be there in your time of need.  Yea, other kids have fathers, but they are not like me!  My heart beats for you.  I breathe for you.  And if need be, I’ll bleed for you.  I hope you can see just how much you mean to me.  Without you I feel empty and weak. But I gather the strength I need to push forward because my mother told me that’s not who she raised me to be!  Depression and sadness, I had to snap out of it.  Pull myself together and become better equip to handle all of life’s bullshit.  That episode was years ago so when the tape rewound and life was on repeat I didn’t stumble this time around.  Superman is whom I am suppose to be!  A hero to Myles and Sydney!  My destiny has been recognized and who would have even prophesied that I would grow into this guy with two beautiful kids.  I thank you for all the time we spend together, it really is a pleasure, to be a father to you.  I’ve found my treasure.  This must be what it feels like to have a slice of heaven on Earth.  So every time I hold you tight, give you a kiss, and tell you goodbye.  Just know it won’t be long, be strong, only days will go by until we reunite.  But this too is only for a limited time.