I’ll never forget the first time I saw you. You looked into my eyes, they locked, and I never cried so much in my life. I was so shocked. I called your grandmother, my voice was weak. I told her “Hey, mommy, Im a dad. This is almost to hard to believe.” I held you close in my arms. So nervous was I, to the point I was afraid to ever let go out of my sight. You gave me a high that was a surprise. Now I have the honor of being the most important person in you life. I will never let you down. Tho at times I may not be by your side. Please know that daddy is doing his best to provide you a great life. I had a father to show me how to be a father and he told me one day that I will be a better father than he was to me. But he was great so I will try not to make any mistakes. I know sometimes Im hard on you and I apologize. Tough love was how I was raised and I feel its the best way to teach you how to survive. Our lives are difficult and I know you know that. You have daddy’s strength so you’ll never fall back. Only four years old and you’ve made me so proud. The way you handle things gives me a smile. And its ok that you lost your ear rings. Daddy will get you new ones. You know I will do anything for you. We’ve been through so much together over the past year. We saw each other cry and we wiped each others tears. Your an amazing daugther. I could not be a more proud father. I promise I will always be there. I love you, Sydney!!! 🙂
As I stay awake on this weekday I look back on my life and contemplate the decisions I made. Regrets, I don’t have. I’ve made only a few mistakes but nothing that could change the face of today or my life to this date. If I could have it my way we would be gone far away on an island where it’s quiet and we are all alone. I guess maybe in my daydreams because my nightmares are real. I am not there where you are and it still hurts. This wound will heal in time I’m sure but I can’t help wonder if there is a cure for my pain. I hide it well. I can always maintain the appearance of a good man. It’s nothing, this shit is built into my frame. It’s apart of my DNA. A boy raised to be a man then a man turned into a father. That’s all that I am! Don’t even bother with your other labels or description. I don’t dwell on my existence, I only have one life mission. That’s to be a father to my kids and carry on the tradition. No matter the situation, I have only one purpose, to be the best father that I can be. No need to apologize to you for how our lives turned out. There’s no reason to blame anyone. No good can come about. Just know that I love you more than my own life, so please never have any doubts. This shit is real what I feel. As I write the tears are coming out and water is slowing cloudying up my eyes. Yea, I cry at night, sometimes for a few seconds. But I shake it off because those tears will not help anyone. I must continue on and keep stepping in the forward direction with my head up so I can see the present and into the future. I’m in the processing of raising you the best that I can. Although it didn’t go according to plan, just know that daddy will improvise. So it’s cool, I got this man! I’ll always be the one you can count on, the one who will be there in your time of need. Yea, other kids have fathers, but they are not like me! My heart beats for you. I breathe for you. And if need be, I’ll bleed for you. I hope you can see just how much you mean to me. Without you I feel empty and weak. But I gather the strength I need to push forward because my mother told me that’s not who she raised me to be! Depression and sadness, I had to snap out of it. Pull myself together and become better equip to handle all of life’s bullshit. That episode was years ago so when the tape rewound and life was on repeat I didn’t stumble this time around. Superman is whom I am suppose to be! A hero to Myles and Sydney! My destiny has been recognized and who would have even prophesied that I would grow into this guy with two beautiful kids. I thank you for all the time we spend together, it really is a pleasure, to be a father to you. I’ve found my treasure. This must be what it feels like to have a slice of heaven on Earth. So every time I hold you tight, give you a kiss, and tell you goodbye. Just know it won’t be long, be strong, only days will go by until we reunite. But this too is only for a limited time.