Sometimes life sucks, but while driving on this road I realize it’s a long ride and gas cost too much. I make the best out of a tough situation. Rough times with pressure applied turn into diamonds, not a cubic zirconia in disguise. Tears of joy in her eyes when she cried and describe what her life would be like if she decideds to marry me. Happily ever after is how we plan to be a successful relationship seems like a fairy tale dream. Meanwhile crack fiends live their lives in deceit constantly lying to love ones about the drugs they use and abuse. In life you loose if you choose to be subdued by a substance you can’t refuse. Everyone’s an addict
I have no fear of failure because there is no reason to fear something that will never happen.
No such thing as a life that’s better than yours – J Cole
First and foremost I appreciate all my family and friends for being there for me. Also thank you for always wanting the best for me. I feel like they all have this idea of the exact person I should be with. Whether the person is my age and with kids or older. Whether that person be a certain shape, size, or race. I’m sure many don’t care about the race yet they all still have some form of preference. Which is their opinion and one in which they are entitled too. No one wants me to date any one younger because they feel someone young would not want to be in a serious relationship. I too has this thought but to me I think I was being hypocritical of that idea. That could be true or it could not be true. It all comes down to each individual. I feel I cannot speak on whether someone young wants to be in a committed relationship or not because those same questions where asked of me when I decided to get married at 19. Even now I don’t feel that I got married young. I feel like my age had nothing to do with anything. I got married at the time because I wanted to be with that person forever. Which is a hard concept to grasp no matter what age you are. But being older doesnt make you more equipped to answer that question either. So many people around the world marry young and are still together. You honestly don’t know how things will turn out in any relationship. So why let society dictate the parameters. Every relations is unique to its own. Comparing really makes no sense and that’s something I need to stop doing as well. But those are all topics for another blog……
I have an ideal person in my that I want to be with. That person is not bound to a certain image, age or physical attribute but of course it is on my mind. It’s based on personality traits and characteristics. I’m more interested in their flaws and shortcomings while also being closely guarded with my emotions.
I’ve been divorced for five years now and I have only dated two people in that time frame. Why? It’s because I’m cautious, paranoid, and generally don’t like people. Yes, I seem friendly and kind, on most days I am. But there’s also a side to me where my extreme introverted personality comes into play and I rather not speak or see anyone for a week straight. So in other words I feel like it’s rare for me to actually like someone and want to date them. There will be ones where I have crushes on them but I usually keep that to myself. There have also been times where I try to take chances and I get rejected but I take that as a sign from the universe that it wasn’t worth my time.
Back to me being a divrocee, even though I am divorced it does not mean I was or am a failure when it comes to relationships. It was not a mistake either! I did everything I could and exhausted all of my energy but a time came where a choice had to be made to either sink deeper into depression or save myself. The third option of working it out had already failed. So I chose to save myself and free myself from the situation. Everyone makes their own choices in life then others are forced to make their choices based on the actions of another. I was that person. I had to make a choice. Many will say that because I was young when I got married that was the reason it didn’t work out. To be honest I feel like that’s a complete bullshit ass answer and a fucking cope out. I think when people mention age it’s just used as an excuse for why they made a mistake or when shit didn’t turn out right. If I could go back in time and come to that crossroad again I would STILL choose to get married. Even knowing exactly what the outcome was I would not change a DAMN thing! Not because of my kids but because I love my life. At the time I loved my ex wife more than anything. People fail to appreciate everything, that includes the good and the bad. This life that we live is all about love, relationships, and experiences. I will never not appreciate an experience even if I feel like it was negative. I know this is my life and I’m writing the story to it, no one else. There could be some supernatural or spiritual being guiding me but my life has gone exactly the way I have wanted it to go. That’s the harsh reality of it all. For everything bad that has happened to me I know there’s a part of me that has wanted it to be that way. You don’t grow from the good experiences as much as you grow from the bad experiences. Patience is the life lesson that I have learned through it all.
So as I continue to navigate this strange and weird world of dating I have to constantly remind myself to appreciate the opinions of others but also remember that I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks lol. I trust my gut and instincts above all. I have yet to be wrong no matter how someone else may view it. Life is going according to plan. Maybe I’ll end up with the love of my life happily married or maybe I’ll end up alone. Shit I could even die later tonight in a motorcycle crash. Who the fuck really knows. But this is life! It’s exciting, scary, happy, and sad all at the same time. Live and enjoy!!!! 😁
I want to hangout with my friends but I can’t. I want to be at home alone playing my video games, man. I got plans to lay around on my couch, binge watching Netflix series and living carefree with no doubts. I have a hard time going out. Socializing at a bar just seems like that’s something I’m not about. Most of the time my head will be up in the clouds as I ponder my existence, if aliens are real, and what I plan to do once I get back to my house. I’m weird I know. I don’t feel like I fit in. I’m wondering half the time am I even consider a human being. It might sound silly but the thoughts I have put me in a class by myself separate from all the billions of people living. Don’t even get me started on my lack of relationships. Dating is a concept that I just seem to struggle with. Always juggle the idea of dating or staying single. Like yea a woman would be nice but then she’ll prolly talk to damn much. A lot of nothing stuff coming out of her mouth meanwhile I’ll want to talk about government conspiracies. Let’s be honest, who the hell wants to hear someone go on about how the food and water supply is poisoned. Thus single is the zone and the place I call home. Being an introvert might seem tough or rough but my life is awesome, cuz honestly, I just don’t give a fuck 😂😂
Two years back, as I was running around that track, I felt the pain and stress in my chest during that test. Only to find out I had a heart attack. One doc told me I was to young for that. Another said the test was wrong, my EKG is just weird because I’m black…… Yea, I had to laugh at that. So you telling me your PhD gave you all that knowledge just to make that assumption. The other doctor told me I had a heart problem but failed to explain anything while another said it was a mild heart attack. Meanwhile I ask google what these words mean and NIH and Wikipedia explained everything. All the thoughts I had going on inside my brain I would have never imagined this being a possibility. To have a bad heart before the age of thirty. I had to explain this to my kids. But I’m not ready to leave. Doctors tell me not to worry because they don’t see anything but the test says otherwise, I’m counting at least five, that says my heart is bad. So why do they lie? The reality is they don’t even care. Ignore the simple facts just to get me up out of there. But this is my life and I’m gonna fight. I’m paying attention to the signs. I’m not going out like Kimbo Slice and countless others. No drugs were found in his system, his stomach was hurting so he checked himself into a hospital for medical assistance. Then come to find out his heart is failing and he needs a transplant asap or else he’ll be living six feet deep in the graveyard wishing he would have asked more questions during all his physical appointments. They don’t check shit and dismiss what your saying. I’ve complained for years about shortness of breathe and stomach ache only to be push aside. They looked at my outward appearance and said “Wow, your a skinny guy!”. I’m hurting inside but your worried about the outside now years have past and I’m question how long I will stay alive. My pride tries to hide any fear that may reside, to be honest, I didn’t even cry. Too cocky to believe that I’m going to die but not to stupid enough to monitor my heart. Look at my diet, I can no longer do the same exercises that got me my physique. I work out like a 60 year old lady. This shit ain’t even funny but I laugh at my own jokes to hide the sadness. What really makes me piss is how these doctors never gave a shit. I’m sitting in the office arguing with them, asking them to explain the results I see. Because I’m know dummy and I’ve been doing my homework to know what these words are. It’s a shock sometimes that I’ve even made it this far. I’m working my life away just to pay for my car, the rent, and all of my bills. You have to wonder at times, is this what life is for real? I cherish every moment I spend with loved ones, friends, and my kids because you don’t know how long any one of us has to live. And when I do die, I leave behind a legeacy that lives on in Myles and Sydney. I’m thinking Lindsey doesn’t give a damn about me, when I’m gone all she’s gonna ask is, “Where’s the insurance money?”. It’s all too funny and I don’t blame her. I’m no longer harboring any anger towards anybody. I’m making my peace with all of humanity, trying my best the be the greatest human being I can be. And when that time comes, whether I’m 29 or 85, I’m going out like a “G” with my head held high. I’ll say goodbye to Robert and Bivins, and all of my family and friends. I hope they forever remember me like a legend……………
Naw fuck that I don’t know what I was thinking by even writing this shit. I have too many goals left that I need to accomplish. Kids I need to raise and people I need to save. Today’s not the day and neither is tomoorow. Death is right around the corner I can see him in the distance. But I’m looking dead into his eyes, screaming, IM NOT READY TO DIE. PEACE BITCH!!!!