I’ll never forget the first time I saw you. You looked into my eyes, they locked, and I never cried so much in my life. I was so shocked. I called your grandmother, my voice was weak. I told her “Hey, mommy, Im a dad. This is almost to hard to believe.” I held you close in my arms. So nervous was I, to the point I was afraid to ever let go out of my sight. You gave me a high that was a surprise. Now I have the honor of being the most important person in you life. I will never let you down. Tho at times I may not be by your side. Please know that daddy is doing his best to provide you a great life. I had a father to show me how to be a father and he told me one day that I will be a better father than he was to me. But he was great so I will try not to make any mistakes. I know sometimes Im hard on you and I apologize. Tough love was how I was raised and I feel its the best way to teach you how to survive. Our lives are difficult and I know you know that. You have daddy’s strength so you’ll never fall back. Only four years old and you’ve made me so proud. The way you handle things gives me a smile. And its ok that you lost your ear rings. Daddy will get you new ones. You know I will do anything for you. We’ve been through so much together over the past year. We saw each other cry and we wiped each others tears. Your an amazing daugther. I could not be a more proud father. I promise I will always be there. I love you, Sydney!!! 🙂
Life sometimes can put you into a corner. And no I’m not speaking metaphors, I’ve literally had my back up against the wall. Contemplating life and wondering should I end it all. The story of the underdog is always fighting the odds, they stay stacked up against him. People always doubting and pretending to be friends. They smile in your face and behind the look in their eyes their smiles are filled with hate. Because to see you succeed means they life isn’t as great as it seems. They despise every choice you make and pray for your downfall, they love to see you make mistakes. This is human nature, people can really suck. So ignore the fake and embrace the real……
I want to hangout with my friends but I can’t. I want to be at home alone playing my video games, man. I got plans to lay around on my couch, binge watching Netflix series and living carefree with no doubts. I have a hard time going out. Socializing at a bar just seems like that’s something I’m not about. Most of the time my head will be up in the clouds as I ponder my existence, if aliens are real, and what I plan to do once I get back to my house. I’m weird I know. I don’t feel like I fit in. I’m wondering half the time am I even consider a human being. It might sound silly but the thoughts I have put me in a class by myself separate from all the billions of people living. Don’t even get me started on my lack of relationships. Dating is a concept that I just seem to struggle with. Always juggle the idea of dating or staying single. Like yea a woman would be nice but then she’ll prolly talk to damn much. A lot of nothing stuff coming out of her mouth meanwhile I’ll want to talk about government conspiracies. Let’s be honest, who the hell wants to hear someone go on about how the food and water supply is poisoned. Thus single is the zone and the place I call home. Being an introvert might seem tough or rough but my life is awesome, cuz honestly, I just don’t give a fuck 😂😂
A dedication to American ghettos…I was once just as guilty as you 😔…
-It’s something I should understand, but something I never understood.
-Why would the disenfranchised brag about being from da hood? 🤔
-At what age should we learn what’s a ghetto to a Jew? 🤔
-What justifies a heaven-sent presence when you sacrificed, threatened and abused?
-I’m guessing you confused cause your blessings and lessons getting skewed.
-Cause you guessing the predicament you sensing you’ve been left in isn’t intentionally used
-to conform the shapeless to perform racist and tasteless acts.
-Claiming the basis is traditional racism ignoring the subliminal claim that we’ve become racist blacks. 🤔
-Outside of a news feed, whose seen, a white dude scream for a black dude to freeze
-as the black dude screamed “I’m not trying to fight you!” as that white dude, who squeezed a few times,
-as the camera just rolled and saw that black dude die? 🤔
-Well, before the twelfth grade, I knew a few teens who died and their killers’ pigment.
-But in the ghetto since theres no snitching we don’t know who did it but I know who didn’t.
-It isn’t shocking that when I chose to get a job rather than hit the block I remember getting stopped
-then getting robbed. Shit, give up the cash or risk getting shot; that’s the rule, is it not?
-I can’t tell you who did it, but we all know who didn’t.
-And we used laugh at the crack heads getting rock, and the coke heads who’d sniff a lot,
-the local drunks who’d sip a lot. Even the dope fiends and their long-sleeves.
-Damn it, I went on a tangent, where was I?…something about….not understanding, oh
-oh, something i never understood…and ghettos…..to a Jew and bragging about being from the hood…Oh yeah.
-I’m mean….sure….we could make it about color but I wonder about how we’ve done us.
-Most believe our news feed then cant believe how others do not love us
-We live like “fuck us” and others seem to say ‘fuck ’em’; how we treat us condones this to me.
-Sure, you want to agree to disagree with what you see but according to what you see the others don’t disagree.
-I can mentally deeply sense new enemies dissing me.
-I could consciously not care cause most are consciously not here. And you have no idea what it’s like to live as me.
-*Damn it, another tangent. I know your sensitive but keep it relative.*
-*ask them what’s a ghetto to a Jew* why a ghetto for us? what’s a ghetto to a Jew?
-Deliberate conditions, systematic poverty, false honesty, limited vision,
-disease and drugs, American famine, exhausted police, imported guns intended for children,
-a fortress for bums, merge gorgeous and slums. Force horror stories as a norm,
-shorties having shorties therefore more shorties being born.
-It ain’t fair, we ain’t well but those on welfare don’t care.
-Can’t you see that’s beauty’s in the eye in the beady the ‘I-have-lost-hope’ glare?
-I wonder if you chose to hustle or if you were chose to struggle. 🤔
-Did you develop hate for those like you cause you weren’t taught to love you? 🤔
-You worship the money you never get and know is never coming. The money the once poor got then felt worse. 🤔
-They forced you to correlate a means of trade not designed for you, except for when BUYING you, with your self worth. 🤔
-*be honest with them* and you’ll never reach your dreams; your ambition is pointless
-when your dreams are based on the same volume-controlled idiot box that renders who you represent voiceless. 🤔
-The same television you scream at when someone like you gets shot down is where you developing and setting your dreams at.
-That’s where you want a shot at, where your sense of success is seen at, like they haven’t told you “what your talent mean? You act as if your not black.”
-A man alluded to me being called a sell out for my white wife. It’s not that.
-Man is allowed to their opinion and I can’t stop that.
-I’m just sure of an aura and sure there’s no color to another human’s energy.
-And I just don’t allow the same thoughts that limit you to limit me.
-And I expose the souls that you don’t know that lives in you and lives in me.
-I speak from a position of empathy cause the same shit the concept of a ghetto did to you, THAT SHIT DID TO ME!
-We didn’t create us. But it’s like they made us.
-We beg for a mortal savior to save us.
-Cause that’s how they trained us.
-With our survival instincts it’s like God has said “They’ll learn to save themselves”.
-Please understand the population who loves themselves isn’t treated the same as the population who hates themselves.
*walks away on his lonely road*
Most of my ‘they’ and ‘them’ references are whoever you consider to be holding you back in life…
Two years back, as I was running around that track, I felt the pain and stress in my chest during that test. Only to find out I had a heart attack. One doc told me I was to young for that. Another said the test was wrong, my EKG is just weird because I’m black…… Yea, I had to laugh at that. So you telling me your PhD gave you all that knowledge just to make that assumption. The other doctor told me I had a heart problem but failed to explain anything while another said it was a mild heart attack. Meanwhile I ask google what these words mean and NIH and Wikipedia explained everything. All the thoughts I had going on inside my brain I would have never imagined this being a possibility. To have a bad heart before the age of thirty. I had to explain this to my kids. But I’m not ready to leave. Doctors tell me not to worry because they don’t see anything but the test says otherwise, I’m counting at least five, that says my heart is bad. So why do they lie? The reality is they don’t even care. Ignore the simple facts just to get me up out of there. But this is my life and I’m gonna fight. I’m paying attention to the signs. I’m not going out like Kimbo Slice and countless others. No drugs were found in his system, his stomach was hurting so he checked himself into a hospital for medical assistance. Then come to find out his heart is failing and he needs a transplant asap or else he’ll be living six feet deep in the graveyard wishing he would have asked more questions during all his physical appointments. They don’t check shit and dismiss what your saying. I’ve complained for years about shortness of breathe and stomach ache only to be push aside. They looked at my outward appearance and said “Wow, your a skinny guy!”. I’m hurting inside but your worried about the outside now years have past and I’m question how long I will stay alive. My pride tries to hide any fear that may reside, to be honest, I didn’t even cry. Too cocky to believe that I’m going to die but not to stupid enough to monitor my heart. Look at my diet, I can no longer do the same exercises that got me my physique. I work out like a 60 year old lady. This shit ain’t even funny but I laugh at my own jokes to hide the sadness. What really makes me piss is how these doctors never gave a shit. I’m sitting in the office arguing with them, asking them to explain the results I see. Because I’m know dummy and I’ve been doing my homework to know what these words are. It’s a shock sometimes that I’ve even made it this far. I’m working my life away just to pay for my car, the rent, and all of my bills. You have to wonder at times, is this what life is for real? I cherish every moment I spend with loved ones, friends, and my kids because you don’t know how long any one of us has to live. And when I do die, I leave behind a legeacy that lives on in Myles and Sydney. I’m thinking Lindsey doesn’t give a damn about me, when I’m gone all she’s gonna ask is, “Where’s the insurance money?”. It’s all too funny and I don’t blame her. I’m no longer harboring any anger towards anybody. I’m making my peace with all of humanity, trying my best the be the greatest human being I can be. And when that time comes, whether I’m 29 or 85, I’m going out like a “G” with my head held high. I’ll say goodbye to Robert and Bivins, and all of my family and friends. I hope they forever remember me like a legend……………
Naw fuck that I don’t know what I was thinking by even writing this shit. I have too many goals left that I need to accomplish. Kids I need to raise and people I need to save. Today’s not the day and neither is tomoorow. Death is right around the corner I can see him in the distance. But I’m looking dead into his eyes, screaming, IM NOT READY TO DIE. PEACE BITCH!!!!
I want to write something to express my emotions. Too much to hold inside, I need to let it go before I loose control. I have to keep them in check. Which isn’t hard. I’ve been doing this for years and practice makes perfect. I want to tell them how I feel. I don’t care about their reactions. I’m doing this shit for my own satisfaction. I do want her but I don’t want you. I don’t want her and I don’t want you. Though whoever reads this might be confused just remember that I’m writing this for me and not for you. There’s not enough space in my head to have these thoughts cramed up in there. They need to escape. I won’t let them break me, I’m unbreakable. A young man wise beyond his years with a beautiful soul. Living out this human existence, experiencing as much as I can. My goal is to grow and learn from these lessons. I feel like the world is in my hands and it’s mine for the taking. This feeling is amazing. It comes from inside so nothing in this reality can deprive me from achieving that one thing we all want, peace of mind and tranquility. I reached the top of the mountain but please don’t call me King. I’m just a man like you are, no more no less. I’m going through this life trying to pass all the tests. And all I can do is give it my best.