The resiliency inside me can be electrifying. It’s amazing how I bounce back from adversity. I’m truly outstanding. A man with the keen ability to always keep fighting. The universe’s got me fucked up if it thinks I’m gonna stay stuck in the muck. I can withstand the mud that’s on my shoes. It won’t slow me down, I’ll never loose. So tell the whole world to get out the way, I’m coming through. These are truthful words something you’re not used to hearing. A society living blindly and mindlessly. But not me, I use my one eye to see. As I rise to the top y’all can start off by calling me King. Eliminating anything and everything that may oppose me in an area of 100 square feet. Please take notice the proximity of my vicinity. View this as a warning. I’m warming up. Getting the arsenal ready because I have had enough of all the stupidity, ignorance, and debt slavery. I’m here to set the world free. I know you need me. The revolution is close to a retreat. Now it’s time to call in the calvary. Tell them we don’t want their money. We will never go hungry. We don’t need their assistance, go tell them to eat a dick, shit!! I’m tired of the politicians. I’m sick of the president. Who gives a fuck if he’s black, honestly he didn’t make a difference. Well, at least not positive. Their existence has proven to serve no real benefit. The reality of the situation is, we don’t need a government. Lets get rid of them!!
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I feel weak and my life is bleak. The ground beneath my feet is starting to shake, my faith is shrinking, and this solid concrete is beginning to feel like quick sand. I need a helping hand so I’m waiting for a man or woman to to come and save me from this life I live. But no one is around. All I see is the face of my own reflection looking back at me, telling me to rise up and be a better man. I can! I can! Raise my fist up to the sky in rejoice and celebrate the rebirth of who I am. The Phoenix died and came back alive to rise up from the ashes, no longer a mortal but a legend.
I hope that you never forget me. I pray that I forever be etched into your memory for all of eternity. May the essence of my soul follow you throughout your existence. And when you’re with him, I hope you think of me. For every shortfall he has you realize that he can never compare and you will never replace me. This shit that I feel is so beneath me. I feel so damn petty but emotions right now are taking over me. Sadness, jealousy, and anger helps write this poetry. Please never let go of me. Hold on to all of the memories. Play them on repeat like your favorite song from the 90’s. I want you to eat, drink, and sleep thinking about me. I want you to regret your decision, wishing you could rewind time, go back and take what was wrong and make it right. But you can’t do that so live with the pain and agnony. Let the sorrow burry deep into your subconsciousness until the pain manifest and you feel it in your chest. That’s what heartbreak feels like at its best. I can never forget you, trust me I’m trying to though, but my heart and soul refuses to let you go. I find other distractions, little attempts to push any thought of you into the back of my head. I don’t want you to forget me because I can’t forget you. There lies the truth, now the real question is: What The fuck am I gonna do about it?………….
Ever since we got close nothing has been the same. I’ve been feeling deep emotions that I thought I threw away. Sometimes I get jealous and my paranoid thoughts send me into a rage. But I keep it to myself locked up in a cage. Though I do apologize for that day I let it slip away. This is still crazy, I can’t believe I’m even feeling this way. A rarity it’s been that my heart has sent me into a whirlwind of different emotions. A bunch of shit I’m not used to dealing with. I’m usually calm and collected. Never see me be affected by anyone’s actions. I’ve kept that shit hidden. Lately I haven’t and I’ve been off my wagon. My mind’s been doing jumping jacks trying to jump over the madness. Master of my own reality but prisoner to my thoughts. I’m in control of my emotions until the minute I’m not. I’m fucked up and I got issues. Every outburst is clearly my fault. None of this would even happen if I would just accept what’s happening. My heart is afraid cause it doesn’t feel the same and my brain is going insane. I’m falling in love and I never wanted to feel like this again because love is pain.
The past is the past. I leave that shit behind my ass, as I walk the path of the present on the road to the future.
I’ll never forget the first time I saw you. You looked into my eyes, they locked, and I never cried so much in my life. I was so shocked. I called your grandmother, my voice was weak. I told her “Hey, mommy, Im a dad. This is almost to hard to believe.” I held you close in my arms. So nervous was I, to the point I was afraid to ever let go out of my sight. You gave me a high that was a surprise. Now I have the honor of being the most important person in you life. I will never let you down. Tho at times I may not be by your side. Please know that daddy is doing his best to provide you a great life. I had a father to show me how to be a father and he told me one day that I will be a better father than he was to me. But he was great so I will try not to make any mistakes. I know sometimes Im hard on you and I apologize. Tough love was how I was raised and I feel its the best way to teach you how to survive. Our lives are difficult and I know you know that. You have daddy’s strength so you’ll never fall back. Only four years old and you’ve made me so proud. The way you handle things gives me a smile. And its ok that you lost your ear rings. Daddy will get you new ones. You know I will do anything for you. We’ve been through so much together over the past year. We saw each other cry and we wiped each others tears. Your an amazing daugther. I could not be a more proud father. I promise I will always be there. I love you, Sydney!!! 🙂
Two years back, as I was running around that track, I felt the pain and stress in my chest during that test. Only to find out I had a heart attack. One doc told me I was to young for that. Another said the test was wrong, my EKG is just weird because I’m black…… Yea, I had to laugh at that. So you telling me your PhD gave you all that knowledge just to make that assumption. The other doctor told me I had a heart problem but failed to explain anything while another said it was a mild heart attack. Meanwhile I ask google what these words mean and NIH and Wikipedia explained everything. All the thoughts I had going on inside my brain I would have never imagined this being a possibility. To have a bad heart before the age of thirty. I had to explain this to my kids. But I’m not ready to leave. Doctors tell me not to worry because they don’t see anything but the test says otherwise, I’m counting at least five, that says my heart is bad. So why do they lie? The reality is they don’t even care. Ignore the simple facts just to get me up out of there. But this is my life and I’m gonna fight. I’m paying attention to the signs. I’m not going out like Kimbo Slice and countless others. No drugs were found in his system, his stomach was hurting so he checked himself into a hospital for medical assistance. Then come to find out his heart is failing and he needs a transplant asap or else he’ll be living six feet deep in the graveyard wishing he would have asked more questions during all his physical appointments. They don’t check shit and dismiss what your saying. I’ve complained for years about shortness of breathe and stomach ache only to be push aside. They looked at my outward appearance and said “Wow, your a skinny guy!”. I’m hurting inside but your worried about the outside now years have past and I’m question how long I will stay alive. My pride tries to hide any fear that may reside, to be honest, I didn’t even cry. Too cocky to believe that I’m going to die but not to stupid enough to monitor my heart. Look at my diet, I can no longer do the same exercises that got me my physique. I work out like a 60 year old lady. This shit ain’t even funny but I laugh at my own jokes to hide the sadness. What really makes me piss is how these doctors never gave a shit. I’m sitting in the office arguing with them, asking them to explain the results I see. Because I’m know dummy and I’ve been doing my homework to know what these words are. It’s a shock sometimes that I’ve even made it this far. I’m working my life away just to pay for my car, the rent, and all of my bills. You have to wonder at times, is this what life is for real? I cherish every moment I spend with loved ones, friends, and my kids because you don’t know how long any one of us has to live. And when I do die, I leave behind a legeacy that lives on in Myles and Sydney. I’m thinking Lindsey doesn’t give a damn about me, when I’m gone all she’s gonna ask is, “Where’s the insurance money?”. It’s all too funny and I don’t blame her. I’m no longer harboring any anger towards anybody. I’m making my peace with all of humanity, trying my best the be the greatest human being I can be. And when that time comes, whether I’m 29 or 85, I’m going out like a “G” with my head held high. I’ll say goodbye to Robert and Bivins, and all of my family and friends. I hope they forever remember me like a legend……………
Naw fuck that I don’t know what I was thinking by even writing this shit. I have too many goals left that I need to accomplish. Kids I need to raise and people I need to save. Today’s not the day and neither is tomoorow. Death is right around the corner I can see him in the distance. But I’m looking dead into his eyes, screaming, IM NOT READY TO DIE. PEACE BITCH!!!!