I was there for you. I stayed by your side. I was the epitome of a “ride or die”. But your pride took over and you forgot who was your #1 supporter. I imaged that we would grow older together now that pipe dream is gone and I’m left to wonder what could have been. You were more than my best friend, more than my lover, the love of my life… At least that’s what I thought when I went to sleep at night. What the hell was I thinking? Did love have me so blinded that I ignored the flashing red signs, I couldn’t see the logic behind all of this. But love is irrational so it all makes sense, that holding on to you for so long was stupid. It’s true what they say, love makes you do some dumb shit. Even though the “love” you had made you not choose me. So I finally get it, love is just another decision that someone makes and some people don’t appreciate it. They take it for granted thinking it can be replace but they made the mistake of thinking they can’t be replaced.
I’m lonely inside. Up late at night with thoughts of suicide feeling hopelessness sitting next to me by my side. Depression is one of the best friends of mine. And I’m not afraid to speak of death because there’s no where you can hide. My thoughts run rapid like the flow of water from a broken dam. I apologize to all my family and friends but you must understand this is just the way that I am. No sympathy needed for me. As I speak the stress is release and I begin to feel free. No noose will ever be tied around my neck. I live for my kids so I’ll never die with regret.
Today was a happy yet sad moment for me. I’ve been divorced for 6 years now and I’ve only dated a couple women during this time span. My love life isn’t much to speak of. Some of it by choice and some of it not. Where the cause and blame lies is it’s own separate story. So it’s safe to say I’m almost always alone. Besides my kids I spend my time with friends and family. I have a good support system and I’m very appreciative of that. But still if I’m honest with myself, I yearn to have the love of a companion. That oh so special person you can always talk to any time of the day. That one who loves you unconditionally and also drives you insane. That person you which you talk about love no one else can compare. A separate kind of bond and love that is unique only to the two of you. I try to hide it but I know people can still tell, that I want someone to love.
Now sometimes I feel like this and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I want to die alone (without a significant other). But today there was a moment that I found to be very very sad. I alternate weeks with my ex wife so that we both have equal time with the kids. This week is my week. Today we decided to go to Dave and Busters. That’s nothing big. We’ve been there before but it’s also nice to go out. Me and the kids are used to it just being us 3 as well. When we go there we had fun like always. Played the games separate and together. We always play air hockey. Usually just head to head matches. But today we play air hockey on a table that was a for 4 people. As we are playing I could tell that the kids were having fun and all of a sudden it hits me how sad I was. Yes, we are having a great time and we always do. But for me just for that moment I felt sad. To only have 3 people play air hockey on a table meant for 4. It was almost as if it was one big symbolism for our lives. That we were missing a person from our family. I know that’s not the case. No one will ever replace their mother and vice versa. But in that moment it wasn’t about the kids or trying to find someone to complete my family it was about me and how lonely I was feeling. And that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong it admitting to it. I’m. It ashamed to say that I am lonely. That I do have moments where I want someone. I spent so many years denying it that I buried it away. Even as I type this I’m thinking how much I’m not really lonely but I’m just being emotional lol. Whatever the case may be I wanted to get these emotions out into the universe. I wanted to share my feelings with you. To let you know that it’s okay. Whatever it is just know hat it’ll all be okay. To my friends and family who might read this, don’t worry. I’m fine. This is life. I’m sad at times but I’m also happy. 😊☺️
What happened to us? What happened to you? Things seemed so right, you were the love of my life. Then shit went wrong and now I can’t even stand the sight of you. I’m wondering was I the fool to even fall in love with you. I thought it was going to be us against the world, just us two! I loved you more than I could ever admit to. I thought we would be together forever. That’s what marriage is suppose to be. But it didn’t work out, no reason to place blame or bother with apologies. The past is the past, it’s just that, history. We both moved on but it still seems like a sad love song or story. So much love held and now it’s gone……
Deep, it goes so deep. The emotions I put them away and now I can’t even weep. I haven’t shed a tear. Are you surprised to hear? That after what you did, I barely even care. The emotions I took them, placed them in a bag. With a draw string tie and then threw them in the trash. There’s no changing the past so don’t regret your mistake. You made the choice that you wanted to make, and you sacrificed our family just to have things go your way. I don’t know how we got here, standing at the cross roads again. Everyone has a comment but honestly they don’t know shit. Only me, you, and the kids know what it really is. Everybody else just provided their two cents. If it looks crazy from the outside, that’s because it is crazy on the inside. I didn’t sign up for this crazy ride. But just like a roller coaster the strap buckle has been pulled down. I’m stuck, so this is my life now, until I die. It’s hard to believe that I don’t even miss you but that has to be a lie since I keep having these sniffles. Or maybe it’s just allergies. It’s sad too see something potentially beautiful be ruin by ones own greed. It’s not a Disney movie so there is no perfect ending. We keep running in circles until the lesson is learned. Then and only then can we achieved what you long yearned for.
Ever since she left I wonder does she think I wept. I didn’t cry this time. I was relived that I was free from the stress. I gave it my all, I did my best. I carried this relationship for so long that the release of the pressure is the greatest gift she can give. I’m ready to let go. I’m ready to move on. I’ll continue to have hope that I won’t die alone. Even so when my body does go if I am not with anyone, then fuck it…… I’m still the greatest person I know. So in truth, I’m ok with being alone. No companion needed, my personal space should have a ‘No Fly Zone’. My energy tank of love has been depleted. Will I ever feel loved again? There’s still a lot more time until my story is completed. I loved you but I can’t no more. She left, so I’m done. Now it’s time to shut this door, forever!